i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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