shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
