I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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