my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
