Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
