I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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