you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
