Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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