She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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