Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
