Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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