if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
