stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
