biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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