last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
