The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
