kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
