He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
