Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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