After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize