Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
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