my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
