I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
