I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
