so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
don't judge my taste in strippers
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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