omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
