remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
