I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
you made out with another girl for some wings
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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