I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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