Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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