Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
