i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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