Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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