You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
