You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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