fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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