Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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