my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
