Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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