: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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