I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
