i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
