I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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