This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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