i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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