dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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