I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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