god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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