I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Everyone says I win the strip club
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
