I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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