HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
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Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
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I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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