my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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