I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
