During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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