she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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