The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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