Have you finally orgasmed yet?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
