Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
